This is a controlled, routine exercise, so why can't I stop shaking? I'm crouching in the corner of a dark room alongside 49 other would-be volunteer firefighters. All the outside doors and windows in the house have been bolted shut. The only things I can hear are my own breathing and an ominous crackling as the fire builds to a roar. Twenty feet away, orange and yellow flames reach to the ceiling, briefly illuminating the room. Then there's smoke -- first white, then gray, then pitch-black -- that blocks out the ceiling and begins to descend, dropping lower and lower. The heat becomes almost unbearable, and I can feel the sweat trickling down my chest beneath my coat.

Our instructor tells us to take off a glove and raise that hand to find out why you never, ever stand up in a fire. Down by the ground it's a stifling 200 degrees, but just 18 inches above our heads the temperature rises to 400. I jerk my fingers back down. The smoke is now so thick I can see only inches in front of my face. Keeping one hand on the wall, I follow the other trainees along the perimeter of the room. Finally the door opens; we stumble outside and gasp in the fresh air.

I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to become a volunteer firefighter in this small town on Fire Island, off New York's Long Island, where my husband spent his summers growing up and where we spend as much of every summer as possible. The first part of the training program consisted of a series of 4-hour Saturday-morning classes and a dozen or so drills involving hoses and hydrants. It wasn't until I arrived at the Suffolk County Fire Academy for 4 days of hands-on exercises that the penny dropped: They were expecting me -- a 41-year-old fashion editor with two kids -- to climb ladders, ax my way though windows, enter burning buildings, and search for "bodies" (aka dummies). I seriously considered giving up then and there. But I had my reasons for staying.

The main one involved a horrible run-in between a truck and a cyclist in downtown Manhattan last June. As my husband and I were walking, I heard the crunch as a tire rolled over the guy's body. After dialing 911 and being transferred from one operator to the next, I started crying out of pure frustration -- I was standing right next to a dying person, and I couldn't do anything to help. If I'd known just a few emergency procedures, maybe I wouldn't have been so useless.

Being so close to a real fire scared the hell out of me, but it was amazing how knowing the rules -- stay down, keep close to the wall, locate the exit -- kept me calm and focused. The only time I felt a surge of panic was when a partner and I were supposed to simulate rescuing an injured firefighter from a basement while blindfolded and breathing from oxygen tanks strapped to our backs. We circled the room, sweeping the floor until we located the body. It was a heavy, floppy, fully clothed mannequin also wearing a tank. I grasped the dummy under the armpits and waited for my partner to secure its legs in a harness, but he was having trouble. The body was too heavy for me to lift myself, so there was nothing I could do but wait.

The same feeling of frustrated helplessness that I'd experienced that day in the city washed over me again, and I felt my heart rate rise and my breathing become choppy. Why did I think I could do this? I forced myself to breathe more slowly. After another few minutes, my partner yelled that the body was secure, and we moved ahead, still bent in a back-straining crouch.

When we finally laid the body on the ground, I stood up and felt something stronger than relief. Dragging that body to safety gave me a sense of mental and physical ability that filled me with confidence. I may never be on the front lines of a raging fire, but when the time comes that someone needs me again -- whether it's one of my children, a neighbor, or a total stranger -- I'll be able to do more than just dial 911.

TO BECOME A VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTER OR EMT IN CHARLES COUNTY, CALL ADMINISTRATIVE SERVICES OFFICE @301-934-3581 FOR MORE INFORMATION....DON'T DELAY; CALL TODAY!!